'Forwards' Thread

[milele]

I have noticed a lot of forwards are being posted here.
How about a thread dedicated to all those 'forwards' u wanna share.
It sure will help reduce the number of topics no one replies to...

Just my 2 cents.

[milele]

Wacha niwafungulie uwanja basi....  (Drums rolling...)

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his  parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up  with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"   
 
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says."How do I get him in that program?"   
 
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
 
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.   
 
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.   
 
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"   
 
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 
His father sends the money.
 
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before  we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the  recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to  me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'   
 
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a B**** before he talks to your Mother!"   
 
"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[milele]

                             

[Nairobian]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage  
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________________________
 

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

 
 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

 
 

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

 
 

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

 
 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

 
 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  

[Strongbow]

30 fun things to do when driving...

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me� on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

27. Stop and collect road kill.

28. Stop and pray to road kill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

[wamaedush]

                             

Is this kajairos version ama? its very intresting

[milele]

Is this kajairos version ama? its very intresting

hii nadhani ni ya mafala tu mtaani, am not sure if Kajairo still does dem remixes..

[DJ-ToxiQ]

                             

niaje milele, sasa kabla nianze kucheka ka fala, lyrics origi huenda aje?

[milele]

niaje milele, sasa kabla nianze kucheka ka fala, lyrics origi huenda aje?

Sema ToxiQ, Lyrics origi ni..

"Ruka tu, Ba.. Banjuka tu
Life ni fupi na mi sijifungi
Naweka shida chini, natupa mikono juu
Ba..  Ba.. Ba.. Banjuka tu"

Noma 

[Strongbow]

Why Beer is Better than a Woman

1. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another
2. When you go to a bar, you know that can always pick up a beer
3. A beer can't get upset when you come home and have beer on your breath
4. You don't have to wine and dine with a beer
5. If you pour beer right, you can always get a good head
6. Hangovers go away
7. When you are finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
8. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
9. A beer always goes down easy
10. You can share a beer with your friends
11. Beer is always wet
12. You always know you are the first to pop a beer
13. A frigid beer is a good beer
14. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty
15. You can enjoy beer all month long

[The Preachers Son]

Why Beer is Better than a Woman

7. When you are finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents

Make that 8 cents! Times have changed. 

[The Preachers Son]

'Goat-free roads made me speed' 

A Swiss man caught speeding on a Canadian highway has blamed his actions on the absence of goats on the roads.
The man was caught driving at 161 km/h (100mph) in a 100 km/h (60mph) zone.

A traffic officer's notes said the Swiss driver had said he was taking advantage "of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat".

Canadian police spokesman Joel Doiron said he had never found a goat on the highways of eastern Ontario in his 20 years of service.

"Nobody's ever used the lack of goats here as an excuse for speeding," Mr Doiron told the AFP news agency.

"I've never been to Switzerland, but I guess there must be a lot of goats there," he said.

The driver was ordered to pay a fine of C$360 ($330; £175) for speeding.

 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/5322302.stm

[DJ-ToxiQ]

Sema ToxiQ, Lyrics origi ni..

"Ruka tu, Ba.. Banjuka tu
Life ni fupi na mi sijifungi
Naweka shida chini, natupa mikono juu
Ba..  Ba.. Ba.. Banjuka tu"

Noma 

sasa hiyo song vipi, si unitumie kwa email bana kama unayo. pliz

[The Preachers Son]

Why bicycles are better than Women...

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

[Strongbow]

Make that 8 cents! Times have changed. 

O.K mimi na beer hatuonani